The Costs of Ignoring Yourself

The autopilot look.

Part 1 of 9-part series entitled, “From Autopilot to Aliveness: A Man’s Journey After Divorce,” offering practical wisdom and soul-deep encouragement for men navigating the emotional upheaval of early divorce.

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“I used to be the man who was always busy. It made me feel strong. But the truth was, I was hiding from myself.”

I want to start this journey by being honest about where I was for far too long—because it might be exactly where you are now.

Being always busy was my armor. It felt like I was productive, dependable, even virtuous.

I wore my packed schedule like a badge of honor. Always the pastor, always the dean, always the provider, always the father, the friend, mentor, neighbor, brother.

Between leading a church, serving as a college dean, cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for 18 year old son, from the day I was served (divorce papers), I got busy and stayed busy. I took painting, drawing, and sewing classes, traveled up and down the West Coast and internationally, learned to cook, orientating myself to life as a man divorcing after a 30-year marriage.

The Benefits of Keeping Busy

Busyness worked for me.

It gave me:

• Purpose

• Structure

• Predictability

• Emotional protection

It helped me:

• Avoid the quiet moments when fear, shame, grief, or anger might catch up.

• Stay needed, so I never had to ask if I was wanted or where I was wanted.

• Feel in control, even as my life were being snatched away.

• Maintain a public image externally, concealing that I was inwardly overwhelmed.

The Hidden Costs

It keeps everything away, ensures no one gets too close, or sees what's really inside.

But know that it cost me:

• Connection to my own desires

• The experience of joy and wonder

• The ability to share honestly with people I loved

• Access to my own emotions when I needed them most

It seemed as if I was standing on one side of a pane of glass, looking at myself on the other. I could see me interacting, doing, engaged in meaningful moments but yet feeling nothing, and moving on to the next-- the most human-looking robot I'd ever seen.

A Moment I’ll Never Forget

Four months into my divorce, my mother was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer. It was a Tuesday. She died two days later.

And I couldn’t feel anything.

• Not the weight of the loss.

• Not the gratitude for who she was, her innumerable sacrifices, wisdom imparted (when my young man pride allowed it)

• Not even the pain of saying goodbye.

Decades of living on autopilot had trained me too well. When I needed to grieve, I was disconnected, like a cellphone with zero network access.

The Real Cost of Busyness

My busyness had seemed like strength, but in the moment I needed to be most human—to mourn, to remember, to remember and laugh and cry, to love— I was numb.

It robbed me of:

• Honoring my mother’s life

• Sharing real sorrow with my family

• Feeling anything that made me alive

The First Step Toward Change

That’s why I believe the first real task for any man going through divorce or rebuilding after divorce — or any crisis — is brutally simple:

Find Emotional Freedom.

This isn’t just my idea. It’s also the first step in Katherine Woodward Thomas’s Conscious Uncoupling process.

She teaches:

✅ You have to get free of the raw, tangled emotions that hold you hostage.

✅ You have to face your anger, grief, shame, fear — so they don’t control you.

✅ Only then can you respond instead of reacting.

✅ Only then can you choose instead of being driven.

✅ Only then can you be emotionally available to a future partner.

✅ Only then can you be authentically yourself.

Reflect

What have I been refusing to see or feel?

This isn’t about judgment. It’s about honesty, because ignoring yourself isn’t free.

It charges interest you’ll pay later:

• Emotional disconnection.

• Apathy instead of purpose.

• Numbness instead of feeling.

Emotional Freedom isn’t about wallowing in pain. It’s about finally owning it so it can loosen its grip on you.

An Invitation

This isn’t quick or easy work. It’s the kind that asks something real of you.

It demands you stop performing and start telling the truth—even to yourself. It means you’ll face what you’ve avoided, feel what you’ve numbed, and choose how you want to live going forward.

That’s not something any man should have to do alone. You bring the willingness to be honest, to sit with hard questions, to act with integrity. That’s essential.

I bring experience, guidance, and the kind of space where you can do this work with depth and courage.

Ready to Reconnect?

If this reflection resonated with your journey, here are a few ways to engage more deeply:

• 💬 Write a comment — Share what spoke to you most or how this part of the journey shows up in your own life.

• 📝 Suggest a future topic — Add your idea in the comments section; your voice helps shape the conversation.

• 🔗 Share this blog — Send this to a man you know navigating divorce or rebuilding his life. Sometimes, one shared word is a turning point.

• 📅 Schedule a Discovery Call — If you’ve identified your "merge point" and are ready to move forward with clarity and courage, let’s talk.

Peace!